Case Number 2: Haste and Decline

Previously on: The Fitcher Files
Our hero, Samuel T Fitcher, is working as a Private Eye in an English town. His use of magic, and the fact that supernatural cases have a habit of turning up on a near-daily basis, have put him in conflict with the local law enforcement agency, especially Karin Masterson (who Sam has a bit of crush on).
On the subject of Mastersons, Sam was hired by Karin’s father to escort and protect his younger daughter to her school dance. Sam does this and starts to develop feelings for the girl, Jessica. The evening is ruined when a possessed girl tries to kill everyone. Sam fights her off but, unfortunately for all concerned, the demon doesn’t wish to release the girl and decides to blow her up instead.
Sam returns to his office where he is almost killed by his half-Medusa secretary and landlady, Cali. After Sam storms into the office’s hallway, he succeeds in insulting and possibly hiring Jessica. Tired, Sam goes to wash away the gore of the evening.

It is now two days later and we join Sam in his cramped apartment.

As I awoke, I was aware of two things. One, my duvet had fallen off me in the night and I was now freezing. Secondly there appeared to be a small crowd gathering in the street below my window. Struggling, I pushed myself to a standing position and shuffled over to my chest of drawers. I grabbed my “Emergency Kit” bag which was sitting ready for such an occasion. I would really love to say this was the first time I had been run out of town.
I rifled through the bag and pulled out the sports bottle with ‘HASTE’ scrawled on the side in permanent marker. I paused. Did I want to do this? Last time I had tried to be smart and make my own potions I had been chased across three counties by an amorous flock of ducks. Shrugging I took a big gulp, damning the consequences. I’d just have to buy a loaf of bread and hope ducks can’t climb trees.
As the potion splashed down I felt the crick in my back unclench. Over the next ten minutes my body should be waking up and be ready for a possible run. It should also help with the hangover.
This done I quickly pulled on clothes and my greatcoat. I allowed myself a glance in the mirror. The green of my eyes had returned to emerald-green rather then the colour of pond scum. My scruffy beard had been removed to give me manly stubble for women to stroke and coo over.
I thought I looked like the brave demon hunter rather than some weirdo in a big coat. I did wish however that I had a stylish hat to finish the outfit but it seems that every two-bit villain tries to blast your hat off. Combine this with the fact that most baddies can’t shoot for toffee and the hat was just going to get me killed even quicker.
As I opened my door Mrs Brooks, the lady from the room above mine, was standing there glaring at me. I presume she had being standing there for a while just frowning at my closed door.
“Good morning, Mister Copperfield.”
It helps having a separation between home and business. Of course any decent stalker would be able to work out where I was living but I like to think most people would be too lazy to put in the legwork. As far as my neighbours are concerned I am John Copperfield, mild-mannered journalist.
“You were sleeping?” Brooks asked looking up at me over her glasses.
“I was at a party last night,” I said trying to find my way around her.
“I heard you coming in.”
Which is all lies because I spent the last two nights hiding in my apartment trying to read “Crime and Punishment” and then getting drunk and watching “Friends” reruns.

“Do you know what all the noise is?” I asked in my most polite voice, pulling the door closed.
Mrs Brooks made a small scoffing noise that vibrated her teeth.
“Students. Most likely on PCP.”
Oh, stoned students. What wonderful scapegoats you are.
“Good morning Mrs Brooks,” I said waiting for her to move.
We stood there for twenty seconds as she sniffed and looked me over. I kept a polite smile on my face as I imagined making her skin melt into neat puddles on the carpet.
“Your dog makes too much noise,” she said before tottering away.
My dog?…CLICHÉ! I span on my heel. Where was he? Oh hell, I might be fleeing for my life and I almost left my dog.
Luckily I felt three noses press into the back of my hand. I looked down to see him sitting by my open door. The door that I had closed. And locked.
I gave him a scratch on the heads.
“You know you’re very smart don’t you?”
Three nods. Smartarse.
“Come on boy. Let’s go hope it’s those wacky kids all hopped up on goofballs.”
Cliché’s head tilted in a confused manner. This made me exhale noisily.
“Yeah, I don’t know what that meant either.”

We walked out into the crisp December morning and a scene of mass confusion. Around thirty people were standing in a circle around a…
“Hells Bells!” I muttered.
The point of interest was at least twenty feet tall. It wore heavy leather armour, had dirty long blonde hair and a massive beard and was now looking down at me.
“SMALL FITCHER! IT IS GIANT CLOUD!” he boomed.
“I can see that!” I called back.
I had met Giant Cloud in March when he and his friends had decided to come and see what the humans were up to. It seemed that me being polite to the giants and stopping the army from shooting at them had put me in high enough esteem to warrant a title and a promise that if I ever wanted to build a tower, they’d help.

You’d expect giants to be called ‘Jarlson Rumblebelly’ but it appeared they are named by how big they are and something natural. So I suppose there must be a Small Giant Cloud or a Really Massively Giant Cloud.
People were looking at me now and appeared to be moving back to trap me in the inner circle.
Giant Cloud looked around the circle.
“WHY DO THEY RUN FROM ME? I WISH ONLY TO MAKE PEACE WITH ALL PEOPLE. YET THEY KICK AND BOO. BOO THEY GO. BOOOOOOO.” He paused. “HISSSSSSSSS.” Another pause. “GO HOME LARGE PERSON THEY CRY. WE DO NOT WISH YOU TO BE IN OUR SMALL WORLD!”
He was genuinely upset. I walked over to one large leg and patted it sympathetically.
“Don’t be sad Giant Cloud. I am your friend.”
He looked down at me and smiled.
“YOU ARE INDEED, SMALL FITCHER AND I THANK YOU FOR IT.”
One guy appeared to have had enough of this and turned to run.
Giant Cloud snatched him up before he had taken five steps. The whole audience and I jumped in what appeared perfectly choreographed terror. Giant Cloud lifted the man to his eye level.
“DO NOT RUN! I AM JUST LIKE YOU EXCEPT I’M GIANT!”
“ohgodohmygodohchrist” the man burbled.
“Put him down Giant Cloud!” I almost screamed.
He looked slightly confused at this.
“ALRIGHT!” he said, lowering the man down.
Then he suddenly lifted the man back to his eyes.
“AS LONG AS HE KNOWS THAT WE ARE THE SAME EVEN THOUGH I COULD RIP HIS HEAD OFF IN MY MOUTH.”
“Please don’t,” said the man, rather reasonably.
Giant Cloud smiled.
“THERE YOU GO,” he said smiling kindly.
We all looked up at the man who was now stranded on a roof. At least he was alive. I could still handle this. But as I was about to speak I heard a voice from behind me.
“You’re a menace.”
Mrs Brooks. Perfect.
Giant Cloud shook his mighty head.
“I AM A FRIENDLY GIANT. I DID NOT MEAN TO SCARE YOU. IT’S JUST BECAUSE I’M AN UNUSAL OCCURANCE. ONCE I COME ROUND MORE YOU WILL ALL KNOW ME. YOU WILL ALL POINT TO ME AND SAY ‘THERE GOES GIANT CLOUD. HE IS A FRIENDLY GIANT.’”
“Prove it!” someone from the crowd yelled.
I glared in his general direction.
“You’re not helping.”
“I TOO ENJOY THE MUSIC OF THE BANDS. SEE HOW I” Here Cloud made ‘air quotes’ “‘BUST A MOVE’”
“Don’t dance. For all things that are sweet on Science’s green earth, don’t dance,” I called, already running.

Yet my demands fell on deaf ears. Giant Cloud stretched his arms out in front of him and performed what I would call an amazingly simple ‘Mashed Potato’.
“GO GIANT CLOUD. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY, IT IS STILL THE DAY OF YOUR BIRTH THUS WE SHALL CELEBRATE LIKE IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.”
The street vibrated beneath his massive dancing feet. Car alarms shrilled and windows shook. At least the crowd had cleared out. Might as well end this before any more damage was done.
“Giant Cloud,” I yelled. He appeared to have moved into the ‘Robot’ now.
“You must cease your move-busting in case your moves get old and gather haters,” I shouted.
This stopped his dancing and he tilted his head to the side.
“WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?”
“I don’t really know.” I mumbled.
Giant Cloud now looked down at my pet and he broke into a massive grin.
“I SEE YOU HAVE MADE A CANINE COMPANION! WHAT IS HIS NAME?”
“Cliché,” I said as my companion got up on his hind legs and begged.
Giant Cloud looked up from Cliché at me, still smiling.
“IS THAT A JOKE NAME?”
“In its way.” I shrugged. “I didn’t want to play into people’s hands by calling him Trio or Tripod.”
“I DO NOT LIKE THOSE NAMES. GREETINGS CLICHÉ, PET OF SMALL FITCHER.”
I froze, hoping he wasn’t going to try and pet him. He just seemed content to smile and chortle as Cliché showed off with his tricks.
“As nice as it is to see you, GC I have to ask if there was some reason for you coming here.”
“INDEED THERE IS. I HAVE COME HERE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE.”
I grabbed Cliché by the scruff before he tried backflips. It was something to do with equilibrium of the heads that made him facesplant.
“A message?”
“YOU ARE TO BE CALLED BEFORE THE COURT OF THE EIN.”
My mouth dropped and I let go of Cliché, who let out a huff of annoyance. I begin to advance on Giant Cloud.
“Who? When? Why?”
Giant Cloud shrugged.
“I WAS NOT TOLD THIS. I SIMPLY KNOW THAT YOU ARE TO PREPARE FOR A SURPRISE VISIT.”

“Who told you?” My voice was getting frantic.
“A FRIEND OF YOURS.”
I have friends?
“Thank you Giant Cloud. Would you excuse me if I go and put my affairs in order.”
Turning on my heels, I used the burst the potion gave me to speed up the stairs. I almost kicked the door down trying to get it open. I threw down my kit and grabbed my rucksack and began to stuff my possessions into it. Luckily it was an Abbakanezer brand bag and so I could carry twenty times more then a normal rucksack. I thought about blasting the room to destroy any evidence of me being here but I decided it was more important to close the business. Anyway how would I get my deposit back?
I picked up Cliché and stuck him in the crook of my arm and sent off at a sprint.

***

Only when I was on the stairs to the office did I stop running. I slid down the wall into a sitting crouch and tried to catch my breath. Cliché sat looking at me worried before heading upstairs.
I was vaguely aware I wanted to cry, vomit and die. This is why you don’t do potions, Fitcher. They give you heart disorders.
I felt a pair of hands on my shoulder shaking me.
“You can’t sleep here Sir. This is a business.”
I looked up. There was an attractive young olive-skinned woman with her delicate hands all over me. A single lock of dark hair dangled from beneath a floral headscarf. The scarf obscured most of her face and a pair of fashionable sunglasses hid what I was sure were beautiful eyes. She was wearing a dark skirt and a cream blouse but I could see fine curves and bumps. Maybe I could-
Something kicked in at this point. Flashes of memory. The woman laughing, face no longer hidden behind the scarf but glasses still on. The smell of her hair as we dance close. The taste of a sandwich she made as I try to solve a puzzle.
And now a large upside-down man whispering threats of what would happen to me if I laid a hand on his little girl.
I saw a pair of terrified brown eyes in near darkness. There is a feeling of pure fear and my mind kicks me out into the real world again.
I believe we both recognized each other around the same time. My secretary Calinansis Mendoza backed away in surprise. She’d be clutching her pearls if she had any.
“Sweet Lord, Sam, you look awful.”
“Always a charmer.” I tried to smile but that hurt so I just tried to look broody and mysterious. This most likely came off as lascivious and drunk but at least I tried.
“You better come in,” she said, putting an arm around me and helping me up the stairs.
“You might want to get some interesting teabags. I’m going to be summoned before the Ein.” I laughed. I kept laughing. I was roaring with laughter
Cali’s grip tightened. “You’re scaring me.”
“You’re scared. YOU’RE scared. Hold on folks, you ain’t seen nothing yet!” I roared.

As I was carried into the hallway, I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair was down to my shoulders, the hobo beard was back and I must have lost four or five pounds in a twenty-minute sprint. This made me laugh even harder. I should have been dead. Why wasn’t I dead? Oh the questions! So many of them!
“Is he alright?” came a quiet voice.
I span on my heel, hitting Cali in the head. I threw my arms wide- that scared the young girl even more.
She’s a young blonde. Slightly babyfatty but she’s clearly blossoming. She was dressed in blue jeans and a baggy shirt. The shirt was the usual Che Guava print except for Che’s hair had some small white being poking out of it. The slogan below it read “I IZ A GUERRILLA HAIRGHOST!”
I waited for another whiz of memories but these appeared to be from the girl in ten years time. Her hair is short and her face was set into a scowl as she drags me into a car. No, not the girl. Maybe a sister. Sister? Things click.
“JESS! Jess is here! Brilliant!” I ran and grabbed her into a big hug and span around. She lets out a small squeak of terror. Something occurred to me. I let her go and looked at her sideways as she tried to regain her balance.
“Why are you here?”
Jess looks around the room confused.
“I work here,” she says as if I’m testing her.
I looked her over at arm’s length.
“Na-ah. I’d remember hiring you.”
“She rang here and I said she could come and wait for you,” Cali said behind me, voice harsh. “When you didn’t turn up, I gave her a practice day. I hired her this morning.”
I glared at Cali.
“Who gave you permission to hire people?”
Crossing her arms she made it clear there was a defiant stare behind the shades.
“I’m a partner and frankly I keep the office running when you’re off getting yourself blown up.”
“Is your name on the door?” I said pointing at the plate of glass.
“Your name isn’t either,” she snorted.
“Is your name on the door?” I said as I got into her face.
I could hear a small hiss as she sucked in.
“You want to fight, Snakey?” I said wicked grin on my face. “I could take you. I’m not scared of your eyes.” I could only see myself in the glasses but I could tell my words had caused a reaction
“Sam, you’re clearly ill. Just calm down,” she said as if talking to a five-year old.
She tried to push me away but I pushed in further.
“You calm down. I’m fine. You’re the one with the stupid condition.”
I tried to attempt her quiet burr.
“‘Ooo, I can never love in case I kill my boyfriend. Poor old me.”
It made me sound more like a Pepperpot out of Monty Python then a half Medusa, twenty something Greek. Whether it was a statement on my lack of impersonation skills or just because I was going too far, I might never know. Suffice to say Cali lost it and struck me across the jaw. I pulled off a lovely pirouette, headbutted the mirror and then fell to the floor.

***

The next thing I remember, Cali was kneeling on her scarf as she violently rubbed antiseptic into the cut on my forehead. Jess was sitting above me on Cali’s desk. I blinked a few times, head muggy and muscles aching. Now why was I on the floor? Why was Jess looking so angry? Was it me? I wracked my brain. Firstly why was Jess here? Did she work here? Yes and she- a veil lifted from my mind and what I had done punched me in the gut. Also the hangover was kicking in again. Or maybe it was a new headache. There was good enough reason for it to be. There was a high pitched ringing in my head. My groin also ached. I had to wonder if someone had got in a quick kick while I was down.
Looking up at her, I could see Cali was doing her best to give me a cold front. I tried to get her attention.
“Cali?” I was whining but it really didn’t matter.
She answered by stabbing at me with the cotton wool.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
She poured more of the liquid on the wound making me wince. I put a hand on her wrist.
“Cali? Look at me. ” Well not at me really. More in my general direction.
She lifted her head, her face wet.
I cleared my throat, guilt not so much gnawing as ripping me to pieces. I knew that there would never really be a sufficient apology but an attempt to explain.
“I’m in a lot of trouble. I needed to get here to be able to cut and run. So I took a Speed potion I made a few weeks ago. I must have taken too much and I’m now on an adrenaline high.”
Cali was shaking her head.
“You ran from your apartment. Don’t you know how stupid that was?”
I started nodding frantically and banging my hand hard on the floor. Great, I had the jitters.
“Yes. Now listen. I didn’t mean to upset you.” I put up a hand to stop her. “We’ll talk if there’s a later. Listen, you have to get yourself away. I’m in no state to fight back. Just pack your things and go stay with a friend.” I turned to Jess “That goes for you too.”
Somehow I managed to get to my feet. The ringing in my head was getting louder. I began to stumble towards my office. I stopped and gave a big smile.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get some sleep.”
The last thing I remember was feeling as if my brain had just exploded and the carpet was whizzing towards me.

***

“Now have you calmed down?”
“Yes Cali” I slurred.
“And you’re sorry about what you said?”
“Yes Cali.”
“And you’re going to tell us what’s going on?”
I shook my head, irritably.
“I just want you to pack up and run.”
Cali was calmly sitting across from me.
“Why?”
My patience snapped and I tried to go for her neck with my teeth.
“Because I told you so. Damn it, do what I tell you!”
There was a small thump as the door opened. I tried to make a leap for my office but only succeeded in almost tipping over. Cali had decided that I needed to be restrained so had done so after removing my coat and anything I could attack her with. She had managed to find rope and I was now tied to my chair. Cali caught the chair, righted me then went back to looking at the wall.
Luckily the door banging was simply Cliché coming to check on me.
Jess blinked a few times then went to go play with him. She catches on fast. Most people try to kick him when they first meet. No one likes my puppy!
I tried to fill the silence.
“What exactly does she do here?” I said gesturing with my head. Cliché was now enjoying a belly rub.
“She helped with the filing and answering the phone.” She turned in her seat to look in my direction. “Now can we get back to the running away?”
But I wasn’t so easily distracted.
“And what is she now you’ve transcend to the lofty position of joint partner? Is she going to stay on the phones while you do my runs.”
“I am willing to gag you if needs be,” Cali said ignoring she was the one who hired the girl. I had a right to know how I was being replaced.
“Or maybe I’ll stay here and serve the tea while you two go off on little jaunts.”
Just like that Cali got to her feet. I felt slightly smug until she began to drag my chair across the room.
Jess and Cliché followed behind at a safe distance.
I was dragged kicking and screaming into my office and then into the small bathroom. She left me in the doorway as she went to start a shower. She didn’t look at me as she kept a hand under the stream of water.
“I tried talking you. I tried to threaten you. Clearly you’re in no condition to be any help. I’m going to put on some coffee and we’re getting you sober.”
Happy with the water, she began to move the chair.
“This is harassment.” I screamed. “I should have you fired.”
“I quit,” she said before tipping me under the cold water.

***

I sniffed and huddled nearer to the radiator. I was in my pants beneath a blanket as my jeans and t-shirt dried from their soaking.
“You feeling better?” Jess asked as she gave me a cup of black coffee.
I nodded as I wondered whether coffee was the best thing to be giving someone coming off what were basically supernatural stimulants. I rubbed at my eyes and was surprised by the amount of wet hair that was dangling over my face.
“You got a hair tie?” I asked.
Jess pulled one out of a pocket and I began to tie my hair back.
“Why did that happen?” she asked waving her hand over the sodden clump.
“You take these potions and you can never be quite sure what’s going to happen. I should have had a heart attack but,” I paused and took a small sip of my drink. I choked. “t’s ’ot”
“It’s hot coffee,” Cali stated as she walked in from the kitchen. As she sat in a chair across from me, she handed a mug to Jess.
“Didn’t you leave?” I asked.
She snorted and mindlessly stroked a sleeping Cliché.
“Nice to see you again Sam.”
“Hello Cali.”
She took a swallow of coffee. “That was stupid and reckless of you. I should break your arm or something.”
I shrugged.
“I had my reasons. I needed to get here quickly.” The advantage of which, I ironically thought, has been negated completely by being knocked out and drowned.
Cali pulled a couple of chairs around me. The women took a seat. I sighed and braced myself.
Cali began.
“You said something about an Iron?”
I put my mug down and cleared my throat

“The Ein are the law enforcers of the magic world. They are given permission to break the Wizard Laws, which are long and stupidly complicated but are most commonly broken down into two simple parts. Firstly, don’t kill with your magic and secondly, a man is master of his domain.”
We all snorted at this.
“It means don’t cast magic which makes people act against their will,” I explained.
“What about illusions?” Cali asked.
I rolled my eyes.
“Acres of sublaws around those. There are limits on what type of flowers you’re allowed to conjure with.”
“Limits? Why?” Cali asked.
“Does Tulip Fever mean anything to you?” I enquired
The women looked at each other, perhaps wondering if I needed another shower. Cali spoke up first.
“Sort of, but-”
“A Wizard did it.” I smiled.
They both looked baffled.
“Okay, the people said ‘Ho-ho! There be money in this whole tulip bulb business’. Someone magics up thousands of bulbs and WHOOF the market collapses. People’s lifesavings are gone overnight. Riots and bloodshed galore. All over some flowers.”
“How do you know this?” Jess asked.
I shrugged.
“I knew someone who was there.”
“Is that a sneaky way of saying you?” Cali said with a raised eyebrow.
I had to laugh at this.
“Nope. Oh Lord you want to get into my heritage?”
“Does it really matter?” Jess inquired as Cliché snuffled in his sleep and rolled over.
Not really but I had a captive audience.
“I’ll make this brief. I’m mostly human which means I’m classed as a mage. If I stay healthy I’d probably last a hundred and fifty years as to opposed to the wizards, who as far as I know have never died of old age.”
“Wizards are different to humans?” Jess asked.
“We really don’t want to get into this subject,” I said, putting my head in my hands. “It involves tons of bloodline charts. They did tests, the mana in my blood is only 57% rather then the usual 87%”
“So you’re weaker magically then an actual wizard?” Cali said, clearly worried.
“I have a smaller chance of having my blood igniting from a sneeze.” More incredulous looks. “It’s true. Winter is a bitch for the wizards. Which made the whole living in the tower seem stupid…er.”

I glanced at Cali “Don’t you already know this?”
“I’ve never heard it from an actual mage,” she shrugged.
“Now brace yourselves, it’s about to get even more snobby. There are four major groups of human magic users. These are Wizard, Mage, Mancer and Shrub. Shrubs are wild magic users who have had no official training. The Wizard and Mages remain Jack of All Trades while the Mancers focus on a certain part of magic. For example Necromancer, Geomancer, Erosmancer.”
“Lovemagic,” Jess interrupted. “But that’s against that law.”
I smiled here. Give that girl a point.
“Now there’s also sorts of class snobbery with everyone hating everyone else. Wizards have to be at least fathered by another wizard and have so much Mana in their blood. But in the Dark Ages, wizened crones kept turning up using power the wizards said were impossible. So if a Shrub goes in for training, they can become a male Mage or a female Witch. They get the same training as the others but never become a Wizard. While the inbred child of a Wizard is a Wizard from birth and can train to be a Mancer.”

“In conclusion, I can never be a Wizard neither can my child who can be a Scrub. We both could be Mancers though. Someone can have a wizard father and still be classed a Mage due to lacking Mana. These are the young pig farmers who suddenly realise they look like Ovar the Gentle and go on great quests to return to his graces.” I pause, remembering the run-ins I have had over the years. “I hate those bastards.”
The info-dump complete I leant back in my chair.
“So why are these Wizard police coming for you?” Jess asked.
“We simply wanted to talk to you.”
We all screamed at the voice that had come from the doorway. Cliché leapt to his feet and began to growl. I reached for my blastrod but then remembered Cali had taken it from me. I picked up the chair and threw it at the man who was in my doorway. He waved a hand and the chair clattered off a forcefield.
“Crap,” I murmured and went for a pot plant.
“I would stop that if I was you.” The intruder stepped into the hallway now. He was a young black man, dressed in the traditional deep red robes of the Ein. He also had the trademark-shaved hair. Most magicians grew their hair to show age and for girls to stroke. Okay that last one was the unofficial reason but it still mattered. Anyway, the Ein realised that long hair is great when on the pull but once a Satanic Master has you in a headlock, the less they could grab the better.
The man bowed deeply.
“I am Caspian DeFlyn, messenger of the Apotopaic Einheriar Clan.”
I leant over to Jess.
“It means to protect from evil.”
“And I-in-hear-ear?” she said.
“We are named after the Viking warriors who spend eternity fighting in the Ragnerock,” Caspian said, standing a little straighter. He then turned to face me. He raised an eyebrow.
“You are the Fallen Fitcher?”
“Is that what they’re calling me?” I asked, attempting to be as intimidating possible while still wrapped in a blanket.
“Fallen?” Cali asked. She was holding the Druid knife we used as a letter opener.
“Yes. He was removed from the Clan.” He looked at me slightly appalled “Did you not tell them this?”
“I was getting there before you interrupted,” I scowled as I looked him over.
“What happened to Liam?”
Caspian smiled a little.
“He is now a father to twin girls. He quit to care for them.”
Jess stepped forward.
“Would you like to sit down Mister DeFlyn.”
“Thank you,” he said as he sunk into one of our plush chairs. He reached down to stroke Cliché who tried to bite him and then ran and hid in my office. I had to appreciate the attempt at defending me.
“Shouldn’t we be in the office?” Cali said, already getting to her feet to show the way. I wasn’t sure why they were being so friendly. Maybe they didn’t want to be dragged down with me. No, that’s a terrible thing to think. These are my friends. I think. I hope. Unless this was a conspiracy on the Wizard Councils part. They wouldn’t. They’ve done much worse before. I mean look at the Kennedy Assassination. Both of them!
I realised everyone was staring at me.
“The hall will do. I presume Mister DeFlyn won’t be staying.”
Caspian shifted in his chair and tapped the armrest in annoyance.
He looked me over. Pale, gaunt with long hair and wrapped in a blanket with sheep on it.
He waved a hand at my head. I braced, ready for him to release a blast of arcane power. He noticed this and raised an eyebrow. You notice how people who can cock an eyebrow need to do it for every emotion?
“I was going to say I liked what you did with your hair,” he said with a small smile.
I looked up at my coin, still stuck on the ceiling. With a small mental push, it fell into my open palm. I caught it and began to rub it. I needed something to distract me.
“You were in this Clan togther?” Cali asked me.
Caspian looked to me. I started running the coin over my knuckles. He sighed.

“Sam was but he had to be removed three years ago.”
“What did he do?” Jess asked glancing at me. I was in full pout mode now as I made the coin disappear and reappear.
“I’m afraid that is confidential Clan business.” Caspian said.
“Three years ago I tried to kill one of the chief Ein,” I said not looking up. Fifty pence, two pence, a shilling, a pound again.
Noticing the pause I looked up. Caspian was staring at me in annoyance. I opened my eyes as wide as I could. He didn’t flinch. So it was to be a battle of the wills then.
“You were lucky that he didn’t try to rip you to pieces like he should have.”
“I could have taken him.” I began to flick the coin through the air.
Caspian snorted.
“I doubt it. “
He looked at my employees now.
“The man he attacked chose not to kill him and even fought to stop Sam from getting the death penalty.”
Now it was my turn to snort. I reached over and pulled the coin from behind his ear. He grabbed my wrist.
“Are you going to keep doing that or do I need to break your hand?”
“I’m done,” I said.
He dragged me to my feet. As the blanket fell he throw his head back.
There was a loud crack and I felt like I fallen into a vat of treacle. A tingle of worry began to run up my back. I had tried to run because the Ein needed to be kept on their toes. But why did they need to freeze time around me?
When Caspian looked at me, his eyes were glowing red. The tingle became a throb.
“Fallen,” he began. His voice echoed around the room as I slumped to the floor. This was the Voice of the Messenger. Any who heard it had to listen. They only wheeled it out for the huge messages. I was screwed.
“You are accused that on the 8th December that you did kill a Miss Carrie Brown through the use of excessive magic. You will be tried at the next convening of the council.”
Caspian almost collapsed as the Voice left his body. I allowed him to fall. Hell, I was expecting a slap on the wrist for not paying for a magic animal licence not to be charged of murder.
I was going to be sick.
I felt Caspian put his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t look up.
“You had a protection spell on me.” I mumbled.
He leant against the wall next to me.
He blew his cheeks out in an exhausted breath.
“It’s procedure. We needed to ensure you’d received the message.”
He slumped next to me. We looked at the girls behind the shimmer of the time stop. They had both leapt to their feet and I think they were starting to shout.
“If it makes it any better I didn’t know that was the message.”
“You couldn’t send an email?” I deadpanned.
He laughed quietly.
“We had to make sure you got it.”
“When is the next meeting.”
“Twenty first.”
I had less then a fortnight.
I began to pick at a piece of fluff.
“Who am I up against?”
“Blackthorne is on duty then.”
I looked him. His face broke into an embarrassed smile.
“I would be him, wouldn’t it?” he said.
“Knowing me, yes.”
He laughed again and got to his feet. I did too.
We stood and faced each other. Bowing deeply, the rite was done. Caspian opened the door and as it closed the time bubble broke.
I turned. Cali and Jess looked shocked, as it had appeared I had managed to get naked, move across the room and hide Caspian in a blink of an eye.
I rolled my eyes
“Very long story”
As the spell that ensured my protection broke, I felt all the acid and pain from the day rush into my body. Eyes rolling back in my head, I collapsed as black rushed over me for the third time in three hours.
Not bad for a morning’s work.

Case Number 1: Snowball

“Mister Fitcher. Someone to see you.”
…
“Sammy?”
…
“SAM?”
…
“WAKE UP YOU BUGGER!”
I awoke from my peaceful slumber with a start. Eyes quickly darting around, I took in the room. My office. Okay. My desk. My coat on the back of the door. My papers that I’d fallen asleep on and were now worryingly damp. I decided that I must cry in my sleep. That way I could retain some order of self-respect.
Yep. I think I might just be respectable.
“Okay Cali, send them in.”
Checked my watch. Quarter past two on a Friday. I glanced at the mirror facing the door. Hair was a mess, beard gone from cool unshaved to hobo. My eyes were sunken and dull due to having finished a gruelling investigation the previous night where I was able to show Mrs Hanslow that her husband wasn’t being fed on by a vampire cult but was simply enjoying the stubbly lovebites of Keith their plumber. The idea of ‘at least he isn’t cattle for the undead hordes’ hadn’t stopped her throwing things at me.
Quickly, I tugged at my T-shirt. Clean enough. Did I have morning breath? BO? Socks?
But there was no time to worry as the door opened and my first client of the day walked in. He was around fifty, about 5’7” and graced with wild grey hair. He stopped and read the plate of glass in my doorway.
“Jack Hatchet, Autonomy Fixer?” he said in his Dorset accent, tinged with mockery.
I winced. I had to change the glass.
“Good morning Mr Masterson,” I said as civilly as I could manage.
“Good day, Mr Fitcher. How are your parents?”
“Well. Your family?”
“Well.”
“Karin?”
He gave me a ‘Look’. I shut up. I seemed to rescue Karin Masterson and her fellow police people on a monthly basis from some evil force just to have to be rescued myself. You see she’s a member of the same police force who hid under the tables and pretended not to be home every time I came to visit. The same police force that claimed the chain of people being burnt up in unholy fire was due to faulty MP3 players. That being said she does have the cutest nose of all the people who have ever smashed my head into a brickwall. And there have been a few!

I gestured to the chair in front of my desk.
“Please have a seat.”
As he sat down, I decided to play host.
“Can I offer you a drink?”
I looked around the piles of papers.
“I have a kettle somewhere.”
I lifted a file. Not there.
“It’s probably filed under K for Kettle. Or TM for Tea Making. Or WB for Water Boiling.”
Masterson put up a strong hand.
“I’ll pass.”
We sat in silence for a while until Masterson broke it.
“Charming girl you have on the desk.”
This I could do.
“Cali. She is very good with the filing and answering the phone, although she does listen in at the door. Don’t you Cal?”
“No!”
“Good girl.”
Another pause.
“Why was she wearing sunglasses indoors?”
“Was she?”
“And a scarf wrapped round her whole head?”
I sighed and shook my head “Kids these days with their hippty-hop and Ugly boots. Who can keep up with fashion?”
Masterson leaned forward, glaring.
“Are you mocking me Mr Fitcher?”
“Of course not. Would I? I am a consummate professional.”
“If I’m going to hire you, I need to know what I’m getting myself into.”
“Sure. You want my first girlfriend’s dental records while we’re at it?”
Okay I might have lied about being consummate. Masterson decided to ignore this slight slight and continue being nosy.
“Could you tell me what’s wrong with her?”
I looked as shocked as I could.
“Wrong? There’s nothing wrong with her! She’s a perfectly functioning member of modern day society.”
Another ‘Look’.
“Although looking her in the face will turn you to stone.”
Masterson’s eyes bulged and he pulled his chair closer to the desk.
“You hired a…a Medusa?” he hissed.
I lifted a finger
“Half Medusa. I owed her Dad a favour.”
There was a small bump from the door. A bump with menace in its heart. Menacing menace!
“But she’s proved to be better then I could ever have hoped,” I quickly called out. I did NOT want her in a sulk
“I’ll go make the tea shall I?” she called through the door.
I tried to save face with a polite smile.
“It does appear that my wonderful secretary has the kettle.”
Elbows on table, fingers arched, look into eyes, strong smile.
“Now let us get down to brass tacks. How may I help you Mr Masterson?”

Masterson shifted in his chair. Usual macho posturing.
“I need to hire you.”
“Excellent. Might I ask what you need me to do?”
“I want you to take my Jessica to her school dance.”
What? You what? You have another daughter? Do I have to wear a tie?
I chose to cough gently
“Please continue.”
“You see it’s her final dance at her old school. So she wants to go even though she has no date. But there have been some…happenings. Ghostly screams. Blood pouring from the walls. Last week the ground staff found a cat that had been crucified.
I blinked at this. Mice I heard of but cats?
He continued.
“Yet the school wants to continue with the dance. So I don’t want her going alone and I want someone who can keep an eye on her without getting in over their heads.”
I was charmed he thought so highly of me.
“You’ve also got the sexual charisma of a duck so I know she’s safe from you.”
Less charmed now, I looked up as Cali brought in the tray. She even had biscuits. The good ones too, those iced ones you’re sure were withdrawn some time in the nineties but sometimes surprise you by turning up like this. She is VERY good. And yes, I realise I’m judging a young lady on making the tea and filing. She’s also a good archer and drives motorbikes- who can’t allow anyone to face her directly. See she’s a well-rounded individual with flaws and everything!
“Can I have my break now?” she asked.
I nodded.
“I believe I heard a noise in the basement,” I called after her.
She raised a hand in acknowledgement.
Masterson watched her leave then glanced back at me.
“Basement?”
“She’s part snake,” I said and took a swallow of tea watching as Mr Masterson choked on his. Enough foolery.
“I’ll take the case.”
Masterson smiled politely.
“You know my rates?” I asked.
He pulled out my card. It was pink purely because that was all the card the store had that day. Honestly!
“Forty five pounds an hour or something off your Amazon wishlist.”
“Plus expenses.”
“Of course.”
We got up to shake hands.
“It’s tomorrow. I’ll pick you up from your office at six.”
“’kay. Just need to sort out the paperwork.”

I ducked under my desk to get the folders. I could see Masterson and his sensible shoes on the other side. While I was down there I began to gather the pens and elastic bands that had slipped down. I also noticed four furry black feet scuttle across the floor from my small bathroom, heading towards my client.
“Cliché. Leave the nice man alone.”
I tried to make a grab for him but he kept going.
I poked my head back over the desk.
“Ignore the dog. He’s going through a stage of sniffing everyone.”
Masterson’s face broke into a genuine smile, the first this meeting.
“You have a dog? What type?”
Masterson began to reach down to pet it as he bent to have a look. As he saw what he was about to touch, he froze. He quickly pulled his hand back to avoid contact with my dog. Cliché stared back, tongues lolling out of his mouths.
I decided to quickly cover basic Cerberus history as I tried pushing my dog back with my toes.
“You know the idea that Cerberus dogs are stupid and vicious comes from the fact most owners only feed the middle head which makes the other two hungry and more likely to fight.”
Neither man or dog moved.
“Don’t worry he’s very friendly.”
“You couldn’t have a Labrador could you?” Masterson said quietly.
I clicked my tongue and wiggled my fingers. Cliché looked at me with his right head. I kept clicking until all three were looking. He waddled over so I could pick him up and put him in a basket I had on a spare chair.
“Stay.” I told him
“Woof” “Woof” “Yap!” he said.
“I’ve signed,” Masterson said, his voice having taken on a sense of anger.
“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I made to shake again but he turned and threw open the door. Cali was sitting at her desk. She quickly swallowed what she was eating with a bony crunch and pulled the bottom of the scarf over her mouth.
“Jesus CHRIST!” Masterson yelled throwing his arms into the air and storming down the stairs.
Cali watched him leave before looking at me.
“What a strange man!”
“Hush now Calinansis,” I said as I slowly worked over Cliché’s heads in his morning pet and stroke.
“Yes Boss,” she smirked.

***
I didn’t have any more clients on the books at the time so I decided to spend the next three hours trying to tidy. Well I’d most likely manage twenty minutes then Cali and I would dance to the radio for the afternoon. Or maybe I’d have another nap. The choices were unlimited.
But first I went into the bathroom to wash.
“I’m taking off the scarf and shades!” Cali called.
“Bmaop!” I said around the toothbrush. As I brushed I thought about what I needed for tomorrow. Suit. Carnation. I probably needed to find some weapon I could get past security.
I stopped. I realised I didn’t even know where I was going or how old the girl was. I really should ask more questions. I spat into the sink and brushed my hair.
Clean, I returned to my chair and swivelled it so I could look at the mirror behind my desk.
Via the placement of such mirrors I could look at my hallway and my lovely secretary without becoming an ornament.
Now this is the sad thing. Young Calinansis (her father’s choice. I believe the mother liked Sally) doesn’t have a head of snakes or anything too frightening. Yes, she has green slit eyes but they’re not so noticeable. In fact she’s a normal young woman. It’s just the whole evil ancestry means you can never look at her directly. How much of her head was cursed? She shows her mouth for example. Was it the eyes? The forehead? Why did mirrors allow me to look at her directly? I should have asked her father when we met last year but he was holding me over a gorge at the time and as soon as I promised to take her on, he had thrown me in anyway. I could just come out and ask her but as you can guess she’s a mite touchy about it. All I know is that I always have a box of phoenix feathers in my coat pocket, just in case.
She saw me looking and waved. I waved back.
“Do you want to go for lunch Cali? I don’t think we’re getting anymore today.”
“You slept through lunch. But we could get a muffin.”
“Muffins it is.”

So there we were in the teashop letting the world pass us by when who should pull up for her daily caffeine shot but my dear friend PC Karin Masterson. She looked at me and snorted. I wasn’t having that.
“Karin, do please join us,” I said, indicating the empty chair across from us.
She replied in a way that made a little old lady sitting on the sofa faint.
“Karin is in a bad mood and we should leave her alone” I said sagely to Cali, who was wearing a floral scarf burka-style and her small Lennon glasses.
Karin now looked at her.
“And I see you have dragged another woman into your sordid company.”
“Karin Masterson this is Calinansis Mendoza. Cali, Karin,” I said ignoring her.
“I’ve heard about you,” Cali said politely.
Most people would say ‘All good I hope’ and chuckled.
Karin said “Your friend is a menace.”
Cali shrugged at this.
“He’s paying me enough not to care.”

Karin’s eyes opened wide and she began to look me up and down.
“I knew he was desperate for companionship but I didn’t think he would buy a hook-”
“She’s my secretary slash bouncer” I butted in.
“Secretary?”
“I’m legit! Got a guard dog and everything.”
“Since when did you have a business?”
“Just after Halloween. I thought I needed some legitimacy in my life. Now I’m in the Yellow Pages people might take this whole thing seriously.”

Karin sat down at the table and glared at me.
“The Pages? Where?”
“Three places,” I said holding up the correct number of fingers.
“Private Detectives, Supernatural and…somewhere else.”
Cali snorted and I shot her a glance.
“What other?” Karin asked. She was clearly interested in my embarrassment.
“They misread my advert.”
“Where did they put you?” Her eyes were glittering, a smirk on her face. Times like this I think she doesn’t mind me so much. That said, I’ve been made a fool of and she’s just gathering information to mock me with.
“Escort service.”
The two women roared with laughter. Even my BadgerLookingTeaShopGirl chortled, which hurt most of all. Karin thinks I’m mad, Cali knows me too well but the TeaShopGirls should hold me in respect and want to be like me when they grew into TeaShopWomen!
“I’m getting that one fixed,” I tried to add over the noise.

Well time to get down to it.
I cleared my throat.
“Karin, I hate to ruin such a lovely afternoon but I need to know where Jessica goes to school.”
The laughter stopped instantly.
“Why do you need to know?”
I tried to look as inoffensive and lovable as I could. Which wasn’t very but the trying is what matters.
“Well, since your dad’s hired me to be her escort I need to do some research. Do I need garlic or salt? That sort of thing.”
There was a clatter of a chair.
“Supposedly you recommended me?” I called after her quickly retreating back.
Teach him to be rude to my puppy.
Cali leaned in so she could whisper in my ear.
“I see why you like her.”
“Doesn’t she have a cute nose?” I murmured to myself as her car whizzed away.
“Huh?”
“Nothing.”
***
I stood before the mirror adjusting my tie. I turned around to my critic.
“What do you think?”
I got two barks and a whine.
“Now Lefty, wasn’t wrong with it?”
Whine.
“You just don’t like ties?”
Nod.
“Cali, add a note to Lefty’s file. He doesn’t like ties.”
“Add it yourself!” echoed the voice from down the hallway.
“I’m getting dressed.”
“You’re talking to your puppy!”
I shook my head sadly.
“She doesn’t understand our deep fashion connection, Cliché. Come on”

We walked through my study into the hallway, to the door with “Private” on it. Pushing it open we entered Cali’s flat. I know what you’re all thinking. How can I afford such a luxurious workspace?
After I managed to pull myself out of that gorge, Papa Mendoza sent through a contract that said I could have the top floor of one of his “houses” as long as his daughter worked and lived there. It also told me to ignore anything that went on beneath us. I still marvel at the audacity of running safe houses beneath a detective agency. Especially one with such a bad reputation with the local law enforcers. But that’s Mendoza for you.
So it was that through that door Cali had her own bedroom, kitchen and living room. All this and within walking distance of the train station AND Focus!

Turning right we went into the kitchen. Cali was sitting at the table eating cereal and doing the crossword. I opened the cupboards and began to rummage.
“Now what do we want for dinner? Tinned Pears? Evaporated Milk? Mushy Peas? Ah-ha! Spaghetti.”
“You’re not giving the dog spaghetti”
I held up the can above my head so she could see.
“It’s got little sausages in it!”
“No!”
“I haven’t got time to cook him steak,” I said to the cupboard.
“He’s your dog! You should have fed him earlier.”
“And he’s got three pairs of longing eyes. All shiny and sad.”
“Damn you. I’m done for the day.”
“Can you do it as a friend rather then my employee?”
“And landlord.”
“And landlord. Please?”
“Fine.”
She pushed past me to grab the frying pan.
“Thanks.” I lean forward to kiss her head but freeze. Cali isn’t that touchy feely. Also I think it might be harassment. I decided to pet my dog instead.
The main doorbell rang.
“When you going to be back?” Cali said pouring oil into the pan.
“Who knows where the night might take me? I-”
The pan was clattered louder then needs be.
“If I haven’t contacted you by midnight, call me or come get the pumpkin!”
The smell of cooking meat filled the room.
“And you’ll come get your dog?”
“You love him really!”
She snorted but she was smiling.
“Look after her, Boy!”
Cliché sneezed. From all three heads. Great.
As I opened the door Masterson looked me up and down.
“Who dressed you?”
“My dog.” I said truthfully.

***
“You got a gun?”
“No”
Jessica Masterson rolled her eyes.
“Then how you supposed to protect me?”
“Quick wits and what I have in my pockets.”
“And that is?”
“Polos, mobile, notebook, pens, wallet, salt and pepper shakers, a spoon.”
I also had a blast rod and an engraved silver bracelet but she didn’t need to know that. Better she thought I was mad then dangerous.
I glanced out of the window. Dark countryside. Whee.
“You know we’ve met before.”
Masterson almost drove off the road at this one.
“We have?” I asked. I mean I recognized her as a fifteen year old Karin with longer hair.
Jessica nodded, bored.
“It was in February. You brought my sister home. She was trying to kiss you. You made me go get her coffee.”
February?…OH! February. The Erosmancer! Of course. But Jessica? Lets see. Me dragging Karin into her house. She telling me about how lonely the job is and that she had access to handcuffs. Dropping her on the sofa. Then-
“Yes, I remember you now.”
“Get off my sister!”
“I’m not on her! Go make some coffee. AND GET TISSUES!”
“Tissues?”
“Go! Karin. KARIN!”
“You have such blue eyes.”
“Shut up and listen.”
“Kiss me.”
“Karin! I’m gay and thus could never love you!”
“...Gay?”
She had let go in shock and I had fled. Cowardly I know but there was a man calling himself the “Prince of Luv” trying to make a harem in the highstreet. The police statement was that too much sugar and increased pollen counts had caused individuals to take temporary leave of their senses. I better broach the subject gently.
“How was she?”
“She cried, called you a wanker then ate a lot of ice cream. Then she suddenly remembered she doesn’t like pistachio nut ice-cream. Then she called you a wanker again and ran out the door.”
“Not one of her best moments.”
Another silence.
“She talks about you, you know.”
“She thinks I’m a public menace who wants to break the law at every chance.”
A snort.
“Nah. She says you are the-”
“Jess” muttered her father.
She shut up quickly and looked out of the window. God, the whole idea was so stupid. We’re all nervous. I might as well be polite.
“You look lovely.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
We sat in silence until we reached the hall. I clambered out of the back and watched my ward totter away on her heels to talk to her friends.
“Fitcher.”
I looked around. Masterson was glaring at me from the driver’s seat.
“If you tell Karin my business again, you’ll regret it.
I smiled and leaned into the car, my body blocking us from the hall. I held my hand near the window as I focused on the bracelet.
“Flame On!” I said quietly as I clicked my fingers. A small flame engulfed my left hand.
“Understood, Mr Masterson.” I smiled before clicking again. The flame went out as I allowed myself an inner cheer. Last time I had tried this trick in a suit, I had set my sleeve on fire.
The car nearly hit me as he pulled away.
***
“You a wizard then?”
I took a swallow of my orange juice.
“Not really.”
“You do magic?”
“A little.”
The boy sat down as his lackeys laughed.
“Do a trick then.”
“Will you leave me alone?”
“Yeah” he said. We both knew he was lying.
“Sit”
He sat on the stool next to me.
“Got a pound?”
He placed one on the bar.
I picked it up in my right hand, closed it in a fist, focused, tapped my fist on the bar then placed the pound on the bar.
“Couldn’t do it. Have your pound back.”
My audience booed and jostled me. The pound’s owner turned to his buddies.
“Told you he was lying.”
As I slipped off the stool, he tried to pick the coin up.
“Hey, it’s stuck.”

As they all tried to pick it up my date appeared from the throngs.
“How did you do that?”
“Magic,” I said, giving her a small flourish with some Jazzhands thrown in for good measure.
“Honestly?”
“Fake coin. One side heats when warmed in the hand and then you stick it to the bar where it hardens.”
“You’ve ruined the bar,” Jess said with a snort.
“Nah. They just need to crush it in the palms and heat it up again.”
We pushed our way over to an empty table. I took the chair facing the dancing throng. To my surprise Jessica pulled a chair around so she could sit next to me.
“Can you really do magic?”
“That would be telling.”
“So if we DO get attacked, you’re going to do coin tricks?”
“I left my cards at home.”
We laughed at this and watched the throng as the music changed to “Don’t Stop Believing”.
Jessica sighed at this.
“I love this song.”
She tilted her head at me.
“Want to dance?”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You asking?”
“I’m asking.”
I gave her a hand.
“I’m dancing.”

Her eyes are as blue as her sister’s.
The song is “Come on Eileen”. I’m laughing. Jess asks why and I told her I once out danced a demon to this song while bleeding to death. This makes me laugh even more.
I applauded as she manages to do the Flashdance dance in high heels. I think about pouring water on her but resist.
She’s pressing into my body. Close. I can feel her heart. I’m enjoying this too much. The lyrics of “Don’t Stand so Close” whirl through my head. She’s looking up at me and she’s- Oh God she wants to kiss me.
Suddenly the lights go out. “Thank God!”
There is a confused murmuring.
“I meant, oh no the lights have gone!”

As if broadcasted over a tannoy, a voice boomed around the room.
“FoOlS. dAnCe AwAy ThE eVeNiNg. It WoN’t SaVe YoU fRoM mY wRaTh.”
The lights flickered back on. There was a girl hovering inches off the ground. Yep. Long black hair, worryingly pale skin. That’d be the spookie then.

“Who is that?” I whispered to Jess.
Her eyes were wide but she appeared to be managing unlike other pupils who were preparing to riot.
“Carrie Wilson. I didn’t think she was coming. She’s not a big party person.”
I closed my eyes and sighed.
“There was a unpopular girl called Carrie and you didn’t think to mention it?”
“I didn’t think about it.”
“Things are clichéd for a reason.”
I opened my eyes and looked around the students.
“Anyone called Damien?”
One boy raised his hand.
“Go sit over there,” I yelled. The boy sulked in the corner.

Carrie noticed this action and floated over to me.
“PrIeSt!”
“’Fraid not. I’m your everyday Ghostbuster,” I said with my most cocksure smile.
The ghost passed her arm across the crowd.
“ThEsE aRe MiNe.”
“Why did you kill the cat? And why make the walls bleed?” Good a place to start as any.
“mY MaStEr CoMmAnDs!”
“Who is your master?”
“NoNe Of YoUr BuSiNeSs.”
I blinked.
“Pardon?”
“nOnE oF yOuR bUsInEsS!”
“Is this normal?” Jess mumbled.
“No.”
Poor ol’ Carrie was getting bored.
“WhAt SaY yOu PrIeSt?”
“I’m taking you down?”
I don’t know what I was expecting. Not her to projectile vomit at me.
I did the first thing that came to mind. Throwing up my left hand, I threw out a hobbled together Shield. The bracelet shot off my wrist and a blue glimmer enveloped the pupils and me. I blinked and spat as I felt the energy being sucked into the bracelet. I should have had some of the steak before I left.
I drew out my blast rod. Normally fist sized, it’s the tool for the modern day magic user. Smaller than a wizard’s staff, stronger then a wand and easier to focus with than using your bare hands. Buy now!
I turned to Jess.
“Stay here.”
I charged towards the spirit through the shield, levelling the rod at her belly. I was at least fifteen feet away when I screamed at the top of my voice.
“Hadoken!”
The rod extended to four feet and a fireball shot from the end.

The logic that most miss is that magic requires power and concentration. Just like how you can jog gently and be fine, you start sprinting non-stop and your body is going to hurt. So a simple fire trick is something I can keep doing. I was trying to shield thirty odd people and myself while driving back a screaming girl who’s shooting lighting out of her eyes. I would consider that pretty hard running.

I was winning. Blood was pouring out of my ears and I could no longer comprehend the colour blue but I was still winning. I ducked as a chair whizzed past.
“YoUr MoThEr SaYs HeLlO!” Carrie shrieked as she prepared to toss a table at me.
“I know. I talked to her this morning.”
She stopped, table still hovering in front of her.
“YoU dId?”
I stood up, rod in hand. (Tee-hee.)
“We were planning to go for a swim later in the week.”
“oH.”
A pause. We both eyed each other.
“ThAt’S nIcE.”
“It’s important children do things with their mothers.”
“YeS.”
I started to level the rod.
“Sorry about this but…”
She moved but I was quicker.
“Hadoken!”
The flameball struck the table which flew back, knocking Carrie into the wall.

I slipped a pentacle out of my coat pocket and held it up.
Normally when dealing with a possession you’d use the emblem of your belief so your faith is broadcast through it which drives back evil. I once knew a Mammon who used his wallet to drive back a banshee. So being rather faithless, I simply used the emblem of magic I had…borrowed off a headless Wiccan. That and my belief that I was real.

So as I held this necklace up I yelled in my best “Get thee behind me, Satan” voice.
“Returneth to wence thoust camest daemon!”
A strong white light shone from the pentacle, striking the possessed girl. In the glare, I could see both demon and girl, twisted togther. I gave the spell another boost.
“I compel thee.”
She wasn’t trying to fight the demon. This could be even harder then I hoped.
“I COMPEL THEE!”
She was ripping out her hair at the roots.
“Returneth to wence thou comest daemon!”
The light grew even stronger. I heard Carrie scream as the demon dragged her in closer. She tried to beat it off but it held on.
It was then she exploded, showering the room in gore.
The room was silent enough to hear the bracelet clatter to the ground behind me.
There was a nervous pause.
“I might have said that wrong.”
The room collapsed into a riot.
***
I limped back into my office. All the lights were off. I wandered into the flat. In the sitting room Cali and Cliché were asleep in front of the midnight news. As I went to switch off the TV Cali stirred and opened her eyes. I ripped my head to the side but she just caught me. Light exploded behind my eyes and I felt my teeth grind. My back was stiffening and I couldn’t breathe. I stuffed my hand into my pocket and crushed a feather into dust. The pain suddenly ceased.
Eyes. Definitely the eyes.
“Are you-?”
“I’m fine,” I growled, dropping the dust onto the carpet.
“I’m sorry.”
“Fine.”
Another pause. Goddamn I was getting sick of these pauses.
“What happened at the Ball?”
“We had a Carrie.”
“Everyone okay?”
I mumbled.
“Pardon?”
“She blew up. The demon wouldn’t let me have her.”
Cali winced.
“You want some toast?”
I nodded.
“How’s your head?” She placed her hand on my shoulder.
I shrugged it off and headed towards the door.
“Pounding. I’m going to change and shower.”
“Sam, I-”
“Later,” I said as I walked out of the room.

When I got into the hall, Jess was sitting on a bench reading a Hello magazine. She had a bit of skin dangling from her hair. When she saw me, she got to her feet.
“Jess,” I said still walking.
“Mister Fitcher.”
I’m almost to my door.
“If you need any help, I’m supposed to be earning some money before I go to college.”
Trapped with my hand on the handle.
“What would your father say?
“He doesn’t like you but I can explain what you did today. When you threw that girl across the hall with your mind, I thought-”
“And your sister?” I interrupted.
Jess looked surprised. “What about her?”
I turned to look at her.
“She’ll be pissed you’re dallying with a blacklisted man.”
She was pouting for heaven’s sake.
“You’re too hard on her.”
I shrugged noncommittally.
“She’s the one who tries to break my jaw.”
“But you do like her.”
Not a question, a statement.
“I’ll set up an interview.”
“Thank you,” she murmured.
“No problem,” I snorted and turned back to my door.
“I meant for tonight. You saved me.”
“It was part of the contract that’s all.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the pain flash across her face. Sighing I turned around and tried to smile.
“Look it’s been a long day. Go home. Get some sleep. If you still want to work with me, call me.”
She got to her feet and pushed something into my hand before walking out. Well-played Fitcher. Really well done. Is there anyone who you haven’t hurt today? Cliché? You tried to feed him tinned spaghetti.
Exhaling noisily I looked down at my hand. The Queen on my fake pound coin stared back. Smiling I flicked it into the air. It stuck on the ceiling. Let it stay there. It’d be something to look at while people waited.
People waiting for my services. That’d be nice.
But first, I need to replace that name glass. My name in big letters.
S.T. FITCHER, SUPERNATURAL DEALER WITH
I snorted. Maybe I needed to sleep on it. Stretching, I went to wash fifteen year old girl out of my hair.